It's crazy to think that we are six weeks into the college football season already, and yet I'm somehow only coming out with my fourth SEC Football "Pick Six" of the year.
I know what you're thinking, or at least what you should be thinking. You should be thinking that I'm lazy or that I lack motivation, which is undoubtedly true to a certain extent (if I were at all insecure with this fact, now would be the time for an "lol jk.")
However, the truth of the matter is that I just like to pretend to be a lot busier than I actually am, but enough with the self-deprecation for now.
Now, since I didn't post my picks for last week, I think it's best that we all assume that I would have gone six-for-six. These are guarantees after all, and I pride myself as a man of my word (says the guy who failed to post his own WEEKLY column last week.)
In Week Four, I was able to pull off a solid four-for-six week, and if this were baseball, I would punch David Eckstein in the face because A) He's the only recent baseball player I can remember that I could ACTUALLY beat up and B) I'd be more than twice the baseball player he ever was statistically. However, in the world of guarantees, .667 doesn't quite cut it.
So this week, I'm roughly 67 percent confident that these things will come true.
1. Vanderbilt will lose by less than 24 points to Alabama.
A couple weeks ago, I compared Vandy's win over Ole Miss to beating up a seven year old, but at least Vandy is only like 11, so I guess it wasn't too bad. Alabama, on the other hand, is in their mid-30's and they are three pints of whiskey mean, but don't call child protective services just yet. The spread is 29 in favor of 'Bama, but I like the the pesky Commodores to cover 24.
2. Auburn holds Arkansas to less than 35 points.
Auburn's defense gave up 38, 34, and 38 to Utah State, Mississippi State, and Clemson over the course of the first three weeks. Arkansas has put up 38 or more against everyone but 'Bama, and Auburn's defense doesn't quite stack with Nick Saban's. So, the math might not be in my favor, but I just watched Revenge of the Nerds last week and I've always had an affinity for Ogre, so I'm sticking it to all the math geeks out there. NNNNNEEEERRRRDDDDSSS!!!!
3. Tyrann Mathieu is directly involved in the creation of two turnovers against Florida.
Growing up, I was afraid of only two things my entire life. Midgets (if you insist I say little people this column is not for you) and clowns, but you can now officially add Tyrann Mathieu to that list. Mathieu reminds me of a real-life version of "The Predator" and Jeff Driskel gets the privilege of playing Carl Weathers character (a.k.a. I don't know his name in Predator, but he was Apollo Creed in Rocky.) Mathieu will either hurry/hit the quarterback on an interception, tip an intercepted pass, force or recover a fumble, or intercept a pass no less than two times on Saturday.
4. South Carolina covers the 21 that they are giving to Kentucky.
I don't even feel the need to pretend to be funny here. Kentucky is literally the entire joke.
5. Mississippi State rushes for at least 300 yards against lowly UAB.
I tried this two weeks ago when the Bulldogs played Louisiana Tech, and the Bulldogs failed miserably in their quest for a big day on the ground. However, I've been told that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." Seemed pretty stupid when I first heard it, but it turns out that I don't get A LOT of things on the first try, so I guess I'll give this another shot.
6. Tennessee beats Georgia by double digits in Neyland Stadium, and Smokey still beats Uga the Bulldog in a footrace despite a torn ACL.
First, let's go ahead and squash the idea that this is some sort of "homer" pick, because you're looking at the guy who picked Florida to beat the Vols and picked Tennessee to win no more than seven games on the year, despite being an unabashed Vols fan. As a matter of fact, this is one of the few times where I've used any resemblance of intelligence when making these picks. Georgia has been favored in each of their last two trips into Neyland Stadium, and they lost by three plus scores in each of those games, and I think the young Vols have proven themselves to be VASTLY more comfortable at home. As far as the second portion of my prediction, let's just face it..... Uga is fat.